Theres a monster deep down inside thats been controlling me. Its my own damn fault for letting her out but I didnt know. Ive let people control me, manipulate me, beat me down and kill my soul. I didnt fight and thats killing me. I should have fought them, I should have fought him, I shouldnt have let anyone get in the way of my happiness, but I did. And so that machine learned monster has been out and Im trying to put her away. And now its random bursts of anxiety that I can barely control. I just cant take anymore drama, its wearing me out and bringing me so far down. I wish to remain peaceful and not fight back but it doesnt work. The anger inside is too much to bear to just let it go, now im sad again for no reason and i can only assume its the anger i have fought so hard not to show, maybe we need anger, maybe we need to show all emotions and just be...its what ive been saying forever, just be, but i suppose i never got the fact its not all rainbows and butterflies, shit happens and you have to go through the process of feeling each emotion, even anger.
In a weird way Im very happy at this moment. I realize that I fucked up by not letting my emotions show and now its biting me in the ass and giving me random anxiety attacks, but everything else is starting to sort its self into place. I guess I just had to let go of my past. I havent felt independent because I am financially dependent on my parents for college, but damn, im living on my own for real now. I've been doing my own thing for years and I feel like nothings changed since I've moved out. They hold the money over my head and I have to do whatever they want, my mother wont even let me get a job up here without threatening to take away my college money. Its ridiculous, anything to keep me in her control. I dont know whats going to happen when the money runs out and I have to get loans to pay off myself, but I have a feeling Im finally going to feel free and independent, sucks that money has so much to do with it. And Im angry and grateful at the same time, adding yet another confusion to my oh so confusing life.
Well, Im ready to say fuck the past, fuck whats happened to me, its time to start over. Its time for me to get over whats been done to me mentally, physically and psychologically and just move on. Theres a point where you either go crazy with the stress and what the past has done to you that its either do or die. I've decided to do, and that means fuck it. Yeah, Im fucked up, I've had fucked up shit happen to me and people have fucked me over royally, friends boyfriends and family. I cant change my family but I can change my friends and I can start over new with a boyfriend, it doesnt have to be like every relationship. Yeah, I got trust issues. fuck that, its nothin but worry that makes me sick, im done worrying, a boy cheating hurts but it isnt gonna kill me and if he makes me happy im gonna stay with him. end of story, there doesnt need to be any stress. If a friend fucks me over, its done, im sick of giving chances, if they dont want to be my friend im not gonna chase them, their loss, same with the boyfriend, if he dont want me fine im done. Im done chasing, im done giving chances unless the person is actually sorry. Ive given too many chances to people who do nothing but take it for granted. I need sincerity. Im done with fake people, im not associating with them anymore at all. Im done pretending. Im gonna do what I want and fuck you if you dont like it, try and stop me.